Staff Perspective: Adaptation and Absence - Voices of Military Children Across the Deployment Cycle
“You feel pretty safe.”
It’s a simple statement, but it carries a great deal of meaning and purpose when shared by a military kid reflecting on what it means for them to have a parent in the military.
In honor of the April's Month of the Military Child, I interviewed my son and stepchildren about their experiences being military-connected. These interviews helped me see how my children relate to military culture and the routines of military life. While their views differ, common themes emerged, including meaning, safety, and loss.
Pre-Deployment: The Notification
“I was pretty chill.”
“I was confused why you were leaving.”
“I was like- three straight months! And then you were gone for another two and a half months”.
Telling the kids I was leaving was an achingly difficult moment for my husband and me. It made our path painfully clear, and there was no turning back. I recall our daughter, the oldest, exclaiming, “You can’t leave! I don’t want to eat cereal for breakfast every day!” Her honesty was raw, and the daily impact stood out in that moment.
Her reaction became my guiding light for what I could focus on with her before I left. Leading up to my departure, she learned how to use the oven, determined to bake crescent rolls with chocolate chips in the middle the way I did. This was the most-requested breakfast I made for the kids a couple of times per week, and living without this routine was a step too far. Navigating my departure was a new experience for her and her brother, as they haven’t always been part of a military family.
For my son, our middle child with Autism, he had a very pragmatic response reflecting on his experience during pre-deployment. He described his reaction as shaped by the predictable patterns of a military kid,
“I was pretty fine because sometimes you do that.” As a concrete thinker, it didn’t seem odd for me to leave. “You’re usually gone for three days.” Even though this was months, not days, he felt prepared for the challenge due to practice effects. Having experienced many separations and reunifications, he’s come to see this rhythm as normal. So, while he often struggles with transitions and change, this felt expected and typical for him.
Deployment: Navigating Separation
“I thought I liked being a military kid, but I care when you leave.”
“You missed my birthday.”
For my stepchildren, navigating this separation was their first time really feeling the reality of what it means to be a military family. Another series of missed birthdays, extracurricular activities, and important events. Being in the National Guard, the periodic days away every month were common. Even the occasional two-week obligations were manageable. But the reality of a long separation meant not only time away from me, but also from my son. Our co-parenting routine and schedule were quite different compared to what they were used to.
For our daughter, that meant she was the only girl in the house, and she very seriously suggested that other deploying parents avoid this dynamic by adopting another child. For our youngest son, it was significant because he didn’t get to see his stepbrother as often as he would have liked. “I like playing with my brother, and that was not cool”. He was careful not to hurt my feelings with his words, but it was clear that what felt most disruptive to him was time away from his stepbrother, whom he’s grown so close to. Blended families often face unique challenges during normative military experiences, such as deployment and other separations. For example, in a local family, the mother's deployment means the stepfather struggles to get time with their stepson, even for significant family events. These challenges can disrupt the home environment for other children, affect the parent-child connection, and undermine the deployed parent's family dynamic.
Deployment: Maintaining Connection
My son would probably be shocked to learn that he’s the one I worried about the most. Would he struggle once the reality set in? How would we connect effectively while I was away? My anxieties informed my questions to him, and I wanted to know what was helpful during my deployment that might be helpful for other parents. He had a quick answer: “Play a game with them.” This is very on- brand for him and reflects how we connected while I was away. We had a video-calling app we used that also let us play games and read books together. He shared that this was helpful and wanted other parents to know it might help their kids, too.
What stood out to me most in these conversations wasn’t the exact experiences but, more so, how they so clearly reflected on what mattered. For them, connection looked like small moments of playing games, reading books, and finding creative ways to spend time together from a distance. It wasn’t the trinkets I brought home, or the sharing of stories and pictures about my experiences. Connection was rooted in the normal joys of childhood. My kids reminded me from notification to reintegration with the family, it’s not about perfection. It’s not about leaving behind the perfect gift or saying just the right words on a recording within a doll, but about those small, deliberate opportunities to share an experience, even from afar.
The most meaningful perspectives from these interviews come directly from the kids themselves. Here are some parting thoughts that my children wanted every child preparing for a parent’s deployment to hear:
“Don’t worry, they’ll be back. It’s ok, you can get through it. It might be hard, but it will be just fine.”
“Be calm, because they’re pretty much going to be ok.”
The opinions in CDP Staff Perspective blogs are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Uniformed Services University of the Health Science or the Department of Defense.
Jennifer Nevers, MSW, LCSW, is the Subject Matter Expert Office Lead for the Center for Deployment Psychology (CDP) at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Maryland.
“You feel pretty safe.”
It’s a simple statement, but it carries a great deal of meaning and purpose when shared by a military kid reflecting on what it means for them to have a parent in the military.
In honor of the April's Month of the Military Child, I interviewed my son and stepchildren about their experiences being military-connected. These interviews helped me see how my children relate to military culture and the routines of military life. While their views differ, common themes emerged, including meaning, safety, and loss.
Pre-Deployment: The Notification
“I was pretty chill.”
“I was confused why you were leaving.”
“I was like- three straight months! And then you were gone for another two and a half months”.
Telling the kids I was leaving was an achingly difficult moment for my husband and me. It made our path painfully clear, and there was no turning back. I recall our daughter, the oldest, exclaiming, “You can’t leave! I don’t want to eat cereal for breakfast every day!” Her honesty was raw, and the daily impact stood out in that moment.
Her reaction became my guiding light for what I could focus on with her before I left. Leading up to my departure, she learned how to use the oven, determined to bake crescent rolls with chocolate chips in the middle the way I did. This was the most-requested breakfast I made for the kids a couple of times per week, and living without this routine was a step too far. Navigating my departure was a new experience for her and her brother, as they haven’t always been part of a military family.
For my son, our middle child with Autism, he had a very pragmatic response reflecting on his experience during pre-deployment. He described his reaction as shaped by the predictable patterns of a military kid,
“I was pretty fine because sometimes you do that.” As a concrete thinker, it didn’t seem odd for me to leave. “You’re usually gone for three days.” Even though this was months, not days, he felt prepared for the challenge due to practice effects. Having experienced many separations and reunifications, he’s come to see this rhythm as normal. So, while he often struggles with transitions and change, this felt expected and typical for him.
Deployment: Navigating Separation
“I thought I liked being a military kid, but I care when you leave.”
“You missed my birthday.”
For my stepchildren, navigating this separation was their first time really feeling the reality of what it means to be a military family. Another series of missed birthdays, extracurricular activities, and important events. Being in the National Guard, the periodic days away every month were common. Even the occasional two-week obligations were manageable. But the reality of a long separation meant not only time away from me, but also from my son. Our co-parenting routine and schedule were quite different compared to what they were used to.
For our daughter, that meant she was the only girl in the house, and she very seriously suggested that other deploying parents avoid this dynamic by adopting another child. For our youngest son, it was significant because he didn’t get to see his stepbrother as often as he would have liked. “I like playing with my brother, and that was not cool”. He was careful not to hurt my feelings with his words, but it was clear that what felt most disruptive to him was time away from his stepbrother, whom he’s grown so close to. Blended families often face unique challenges during normative military experiences, such as deployment and other separations. For example, in a local family, the mother's deployment means the stepfather struggles to get time with their stepson, even for significant family events. These challenges can disrupt the home environment for other children, affect the parent-child connection, and undermine the deployed parent's family dynamic.
Deployment: Maintaining Connection
My son would probably be shocked to learn that he’s the one I worried about the most. Would he struggle once the reality set in? How would we connect effectively while I was away? My anxieties informed my questions to him, and I wanted to know what was helpful during my deployment that might be helpful for other parents. He had a quick answer: “Play a game with them.” This is very on- brand for him and reflects how we connected while I was away. We had a video-calling app we used that also let us play games and read books together. He shared that this was helpful and wanted other parents to know it might help their kids, too.
What stood out to me most in these conversations wasn’t the exact experiences but, more so, how they so clearly reflected on what mattered. For them, connection looked like small moments of playing games, reading books, and finding creative ways to spend time together from a distance. It wasn’t the trinkets I brought home, or the sharing of stories and pictures about my experiences. Connection was rooted in the normal joys of childhood. My kids reminded me from notification to reintegration with the family, it’s not about perfection. It’s not about leaving behind the perfect gift or saying just the right words on a recording within a doll, but about those small, deliberate opportunities to share an experience, even from afar.
The most meaningful perspectives from these interviews come directly from the kids themselves. Here are some parting thoughts that my children wanted every child preparing for a parent’s deployment to hear:
“Don’t worry, they’ll be back. It’s ok, you can get through it. It might be hard, but it will be just fine.”
“Be calm, because they’re pretty much going to be ok.”
The opinions in CDP Staff Perspective blogs are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Uniformed Services University of the Health Science or the Department of Defense.
Jennifer Nevers, MSW, LCSW, is the Subject Matter Expert Office Lead for the Center for Deployment Psychology (CDP) at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Maryland.