Staff Perspective: Confessions of a Military Brat
While at officer training at beautiful Maxwell AFB, Alabama, a fellow trainee remarked at how unattractive the base was. I defended the base quickly, “Don’t you know this is actually a nice base? The color scheme includes other colors besides brown.” If you hear some righteous indignation coming through the text on this page, you would not be mistaken. For me, the familiarity of the typical brown monotone of Air Force bases, and not a particular city, was my hometown. For me, military culture was not just something I was voluntarily taking on as all Service members do in training, but something I was born into.
In the past several weeks during this “Month of the Military Child”, we have featured some excellent blogs on military children, from Kimberly Copeland and Caitlin Cook’s overview article from a strengths-based perspective to Jennifer Phillips’ article on some specific opportunities for growth among military children. I thought I would share today my particular perspective of growing up in military culture.
Growing up in the military usually means exposure to a variety of other cultures and experiences. We PCS’ed (Permanent Change of Station) eight times by the time I went to college, moving roughly every two years. I learned to fit in by observing others, making friends quickly, and dressing and talking like the “locals”. By the end of each of my father’s tours, I felt relatively connected to the area. As I adapted to each community, I developed a strong sense that there is no one “right” way to do things, and a respect for different traditions and viewpoints, from participating in a quinceanera (a Hispanic tradition of formally celebrating a girl’s 15th birthday) to learning about tractor expo day. At the same time, I struggle to this day with not having a particular home town or set of lifelong friends. I am grateful to have met many friends, both growing up in the military and in my time in service, but I unfortunately do not live near most of them. As a result of this and all the frequent moves, I can feel disconnected and have a sense of instability or that I am never really “settled in.”
Although, I do not have a home town, certainly driving on to any base, even if I have never been there before, leads to a feeling of predictable nostalgia and homecoming. Ah, yes, there is the BX (Base Exchange) and commissary. What a nice swimming pool and bowling alley! Here is the flight line and the awe-inspiring sounds of the planes. There’s the medical clinic and base housing, with all the young children playing. I grew up thinking everyone had had to decide between Anthony’s Pizza and Robin Hood subs after shopping (or Charley’s, if you were lucky), and taking for granted the sense of community safety inside the gates, where neighbors frequently did not lock doors. In fact, once my youngest brother, who was maybe five-years-old, wandered into our neighbors’ house looking for a cookie! I smile when I think of these things, and yet when I transitioned off of active-duty, I felt a strong sense of exclusion knowing I could no longer get on base without a sponsor. Imagine thinking you can’t go home without a visitor’s pass!
Of course, every move meant a change in schools. Even in elementary school, figuring out different academic expectations was problematic; for example, we only lived where I went to 4th grade for 10 months and on top of that I ended up changing my classes mid-year for a better academic fit. In high school, I struggled with the state history questions of the Georgia standardized high school graduation examination; how could I know anything when I just moved there two months ago and spent the last few years learning Texas history? Fortunately, I had academic counselors who looked out for me and I even ended up graduating with college credits. All of these challenges pushed me to take charge of my own education, a skill that came in handy in college and graduate school.
An awesome Air Force colleague talks about “bleeding blue,” and that resonates with my experience growing up military. In our house, we had up a “home is where the Air Force sends you” sign, and numerous decorations relating to places we had lived, with a red-white-and-blue theme, and of course, planes. I learned to pause what I was doing at the end of the duty day when the national anthem was played. I felt a rush when we went to the air shows, and I internalized all the talks I heard at group community events about the mission and doing one’s best. I was always very proud of my father and seeing our family’s name above the house on base. Even today, I get emotional when I hear the national anthem or think about Service members around the world working together for the mission. In other words, growing up in the military heightened my sense of patriotism.
Military values that are instilled in the Service member are often passed to the whole family…you may have heard that the whole family serves, and I believe that’s true. Although many of us are taught in childhood to represent our family well, in military culture it seems there is an additional level of complexity for children to navigate. For example, I knew early on about the difference between officer and enlisted housing, and I knew which of my friends’ parents were officer or enlisted even if I did not know rank. I definitely knew what my father did and his rank, and I remembered to be especially respectful and appropriate when answering the phone or at military events. What I said to my friends could be passed on to their parents, who may have worked with, for, or over my father. When I babysat, I was careful of what I said and did as I watched children whose parents often worked with, for, or over my father. For example, I used to babysit for the vice-wing commander’s babies at one base! Did I mention my doctor? Yes, you guessed it, typically he or she worked with, for, or over my father. We bought my first car from my father’s commander’s family at another base. Once I took my youngest brother shopping at the commissary, and he broke a jar of spaghetti sauce; I was sure my parents would hear about it and I would get in trouble. Even my behavior at school was a reflection on my family. I remember one day, a girl next to me on the bus got into a pretty heated fight, and the bus driver stopped at the gate for the guards to escort her off…not cool, especially since she was the group commander’s daughter. I’m definitely conscientious of my language and actions as an adult.
It is a different lifestyle to grow up military! I do not have a specific answer to the standard “Where are you from?” and have been told I have no definable accent…other than my Texas “y’all”. But there is a culture, a language, a set of shared similar experiences that ties military kids together. How many other people understand the feeling of waiting to turn the magic of age of 10, not so you could stop ordering off the children’s menu, but when you became eligible for your dependent ID? Each time I met a fellow military kid, chances are, we had something in common and could start talking right away about different places we’d lived.
Although of course my experiences do not represent all of us who grew up in the military, research on military children has found similar challenges such as difficulty maintaining deeper friendships, challenges completing school requirements due to moves, and potentially feeling disconnected from the outside community (Park, 2011). However, as Dr. Phillips noted last week, there are positive aspects of a parent’s military career on children as well, such as fewer social and emotional problems compared to civilian peers, development of a strong sense of responsibility, independence and maturity, and higher academic achievement (Johnson et al, 2014; Park). For any child, there is always a balance between strengths and vulnerabilities from the culture we are raised in.
I often reflect on how different my children’s childhood will be from mine, as I separated just after my oldest was born. While I do not regret my choice to raise them civilian, I hope to pass on the respect for military service, the pride of patriotism, and the outstanding values-and of course, the love of planes. As for me, I am proud to call myself a military “brat”.
Diana C. Dolan, Ph.D., CBSM is a clinical psychologist serving as an evidence-based psychotherapy trainer with the Center for Deployment Psychology at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Maryland. In this capacity, she develops and presents trainings on a variety of EBPs and deployment-related topics, and provides consultation services. Dr. Dolan is a veteran of the U.S. Air Force. As an active duty psychologist, she served as chief, Primary Care Psychology at Lackland AFB, Texas, overseeing integrated behavioral health services in primary care.
References:
Johnson, P.L., Knauss, L.G., Faran, M., & Ban, P. (2014) Military children and programs that meet their needs. In S.J. Cozza, M.N. Goldenberg, & R.J, Ursano (Eds.), Care of Military Service Members, Veterans, and Their Families. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing.
Park, N. (2011). Military children and families: strengths and challenges during peace and war. Amerian Psychologist 66(1): 65-72.
While at officer training at beautiful Maxwell AFB, Alabama, a fellow trainee remarked at how unattractive the base was. I defended the base quickly, “Don’t you know this is actually a nice base? The color scheme includes other colors besides brown.” If you hear some righteous indignation coming through the text on this page, you would not be mistaken. For me, the familiarity of the typical brown monotone of Air Force bases, and not a particular city, was my hometown. For me, military culture was not just something I was voluntarily taking on as all Service members do in training, but something I was born into.
In the past several weeks during this “Month of the Military Child”, we have featured some excellent blogs on military children, from Kimberly Copeland and Caitlin Cook’s overview article from a strengths-based perspective to Jennifer Phillips’ article on some specific opportunities for growth among military children. I thought I would share today my particular perspective of growing up in military culture.
Growing up in the military usually means exposure to a variety of other cultures and experiences. We PCS’ed (Permanent Change of Station) eight times by the time I went to college, moving roughly every two years. I learned to fit in by observing others, making friends quickly, and dressing and talking like the “locals”. By the end of each of my father’s tours, I felt relatively connected to the area. As I adapted to each community, I developed a strong sense that there is no one “right” way to do things, and a respect for different traditions and viewpoints, from participating in a quinceanera (a Hispanic tradition of formally celebrating a girl’s 15th birthday) to learning about tractor expo day. At the same time, I struggle to this day with not having a particular home town or set of lifelong friends. I am grateful to have met many friends, both growing up in the military and in my time in service, but I unfortunately do not live near most of them. As a result of this and all the frequent moves, I can feel disconnected and have a sense of instability or that I am never really “settled in.”
Although, I do not have a home town, certainly driving on to any base, even if I have never been there before, leads to a feeling of predictable nostalgia and homecoming. Ah, yes, there is the BX (Base Exchange) and commissary. What a nice swimming pool and bowling alley! Here is the flight line and the awe-inspiring sounds of the planes. There’s the medical clinic and base housing, with all the young children playing. I grew up thinking everyone had had to decide between Anthony’s Pizza and Robin Hood subs after shopping (or Charley’s, if you were lucky), and taking for granted the sense of community safety inside the gates, where neighbors frequently did not lock doors. In fact, once my youngest brother, who was maybe five-years-old, wandered into our neighbors’ house looking for a cookie! I smile when I think of these things, and yet when I transitioned off of active-duty, I felt a strong sense of exclusion knowing I could no longer get on base without a sponsor. Imagine thinking you can’t go home without a visitor’s pass!
Of course, every move meant a change in schools. Even in elementary school, figuring out different academic expectations was problematic; for example, we only lived where I went to 4th grade for 10 months and on top of that I ended up changing my classes mid-year for a better academic fit. In high school, I struggled with the state history questions of the Georgia standardized high school graduation examination; how could I know anything when I just moved there two months ago and spent the last few years learning Texas history? Fortunately, I had academic counselors who looked out for me and I even ended up graduating with college credits. All of these challenges pushed me to take charge of my own education, a skill that came in handy in college and graduate school.
An awesome Air Force colleague talks about “bleeding blue,” and that resonates with my experience growing up military. In our house, we had up a “home is where the Air Force sends you” sign, and numerous decorations relating to places we had lived, with a red-white-and-blue theme, and of course, planes. I learned to pause what I was doing at the end of the duty day when the national anthem was played. I felt a rush when we went to the air shows, and I internalized all the talks I heard at group community events about the mission and doing one’s best. I was always very proud of my father and seeing our family’s name above the house on base. Even today, I get emotional when I hear the national anthem or think about Service members around the world working together for the mission. In other words, growing up in the military heightened my sense of patriotism.
Military values that are instilled in the Service member are often passed to the whole family…you may have heard that the whole family serves, and I believe that’s true. Although many of us are taught in childhood to represent our family well, in military culture it seems there is an additional level of complexity for children to navigate. For example, I knew early on about the difference between officer and enlisted housing, and I knew which of my friends’ parents were officer or enlisted even if I did not know rank. I definitely knew what my father did and his rank, and I remembered to be especially respectful and appropriate when answering the phone or at military events. What I said to my friends could be passed on to their parents, who may have worked with, for, or over my father. When I babysat, I was careful of what I said and did as I watched children whose parents often worked with, for, or over my father. For example, I used to babysit for the vice-wing commander’s babies at one base! Did I mention my doctor? Yes, you guessed it, typically he or she worked with, for, or over my father. We bought my first car from my father’s commander’s family at another base. Once I took my youngest brother shopping at the commissary, and he broke a jar of spaghetti sauce; I was sure my parents would hear about it and I would get in trouble. Even my behavior at school was a reflection on my family. I remember one day, a girl next to me on the bus got into a pretty heated fight, and the bus driver stopped at the gate for the guards to escort her off…not cool, especially since she was the group commander’s daughter. I’m definitely conscientious of my language and actions as an adult.
It is a different lifestyle to grow up military! I do not have a specific answer to the standard “Where are you from?” and have been told I have no definable accent…other than my Texas “y’all”. But there is a culture, a language, a set of shared similar experiences that ties military kids together. How many other people understand the feeling of waiting to turn the magic of age of 10, not so you could stop ordering off the children’s menu, but when you became eligible for your dependent ID? Each time I met a fellow military kid, chances are, we had something in common and could start talking right away about different places we’d lived.
Although of course my experiences do not represent all of us who grew up in the military, research on military children has found similar challenges such as difficulty maintaining deeper friendships, challenges completing school requirements due to moves, and potentially feeling disconnected from the outside community (Park, 2011). However, as Dr. Phillips noted last week, there are positive aspects of a parent’s military career on children as well, such as fewer social and emotional problems compared to civilian peers, development of a strong sense of responsibility, independence and maturity, and higher academic achievement (Johnson et al, 2014; Park). For any child, there is always a balance between strengths and vulnerabilities from the culture we are raised in.
I often reflect on how different my children’s childhood will be from mine, as I separated just after my oldest was born. While I do not regret my choice to raise them civilian, I hope to pass on the respect for military service, the pride of patriotism, and the outstanding values-and of course, the love of planes. As for me, I am proud to call myself a military “brat”.
Diana C. Dolan, Ph.D., CBSM is a clinical psychologist serving as an evidence-based psychotherapy trainer with the Center for Deployment Psychology at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Maryland. In this capacity, she develops and presents trainings on a variety of EBPs and deployment-related topics, and provides consultation services. Dr. Dolan is a veteran of the U.S. Air Force. As an active duty psychologist, she served as chief, Primary Care Psychology at Lackland AFB, Texas, overseeing integrated behavioral health services in primary care.
References:
Johnson, P.L., Knauss, L.G., Faran, M., & Ban, P. (2014) Military children and programs that meet their needs. In S.J. Cozza, M.N. Goldenberg, & R.J, Ursano (Eds.), Care of Military Service Members, Veterans, and Their Families. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing.
Park, N. (2011). Military children and families: strengths and challenges during peace and war. Amerian Psychologist 66(1): 65-72.