Staff Perspective: Examining Parents of Service Members and Veterans
Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans’ Experiences Living with their Parents after Separation from the Military
by Miranda Worthen, Rudolf Moos & Jennifer Ahern (2012), Contemporary Family Therapy, 34:362-375
Limited research has focused on parents of Service members despite the millions of mothers and fathers who wear these shoes. However, Worthen, Moos and Ahern (2012) take a step to fill this gap by shedding light on the experiences of 11 returned Veterans aged 22-52 living with their parents after separating from the military in California. The authors argue for the importance of this research, noting that 27% of Veterans 30 years of age or younger currently live with their parents in California, and an even larger percentage lives with them for some period of time after leaving the military. Also, according to these researchers, Veterans who navigate the waters of returning to live with their parents often face more rocky transitions than their non-Veteran counterparts because they are leaving the structure and purpose of the military and may have experienced combat or other trauma.
Against this backdrop, Worthen et al. interviewed 24 veterans who had served in Iraq and Afghanistan in 2009-2011 about their reintegration experiences in the areas of family, friends, school or work. Of those interviewed, nine male and two female Veterans living with their parents following military separation for 2 months to 5 years became the focus of this qualitative study. Using a “codebook”, research team members independently coded transcripts, then met to discuss discrepancies, and subsequently revised the “codebook”. The lead researcher with expertise in qualitative interviews with combat Veterans then coded all transcripts using the qualitative software package atlas.ti (2011). Below are the main findings of this study.
In general, the Veterans were appreciative of having a place to live immediately after leaving the military and felt this grounding helped them find greater independence. Some lived with their parents for a discreet period of time (e.g., until they found a job to pay for their own living arrangements); others used their parents’ house as a base (e.g., stayed until they went to school, then returned until they found a job).
Some Veterans reported that staying with their parents resulted in emotional support or greater connectedness as they transitioned to civilian life. In particular, for those families where other members had served in the military, the sharing of experiences led to closer connections. This sentiment is captured in the following comments:
- “For the past month, I’ve just been spending time with family…Really enjoying having them around for a change. “They try to help me in every way, they always ask me what I’m thinking…They’ve been extremely supportive of everything.”
- “Since I [went] to Iraq, [my dad] has been much more open about speaking about his experiences as a cop…”
Another theme that emerged from the data was the struggle experienced by the Veterans over redefined roles in their families. For some, they described feeling treated by their parents as a child or teenager again, which clashed with the sense of maturity and adult responsibilities gained in the military. For example, one participant described:
- “Sometimes they kind of treat me like I’m the same kid that left after high school. My mom will give me a curfew or something. [But] I’m really 22 years old. Don’t treat me like a kid.”
On the other end of the spectrum, some Veterans returned and were handed demanding family responsibilities or became the glue binding their family. One Veteran explained:
- “[My parents are] depending on me for everything. I pretty much have to do everything to hold the family together…”
Additionally, the study highlighted that parents were the ones to observe changes in their Veteran children, which ranged from normal stress reactions to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These parents often expressed concern or worry and sometimes helplessness. When appropriate care was found, the parent-child relationship improved. However, in other instances a tense dynamic developed, which this Veteran describes:
- “…When I came back…I would have angry outbursts… [Before my diagnosis] my mom would say to me, ‘You know, if I wasn’t your mother and I didn’t know you, I probably wouldn’t even be as loving.”
Beyond these findings, the researchers reported that the 2 female participants disclosed they had been sexually assaulted in the military. One indicated that she had trouble keeping her independence while living with her parents. She explained that “[my mother] wanted me to be her baby...” yet she wanted to stay at her military location. The other female Veteran reported that her parents were “extremely supportive” when she was going through the process of reporting the rape, and she was able to focus on recovering from the sexual trauma.
This study is a step forward in better understanding the transition process for Veterans who return home to live with their parents. Given the instrumental role these parents play, the hope is for more studies like this to be undertaken, as well as more discussions on this under-addressed topic.
Paula Domenici, Ph.D., is the Director of Civilian Training Programs at the Center for Deployment Psychology. She is also a co-author of the book, Courage After Fire for Parents of Service Members: Strategies for Coping When Your Son or Daughter Returns from Deployment (2013).
Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans’ Experiences Living with their Parents after Separation from the Military
by Miranda Worthen, Rudolf Moos & Jennifer Ahern (2012), Contemporary Family Therapy, 34:362-375
Limited research has focused on parents of Service members despite the millions of mothers and fathers who wear these shoes. However, Worthen, Moos and Ahern (2012) take a step to fill this gap by shedding light on the experiences of 11 returned Veterans aged 22-52 living with their parents after separating from the military in California. The authors argue for the importance of this research, noting that 27% of Veterans 30 years of age or younger currently live with their parents in California, and an even larger percentage lives with them for some period of time after leaving the military. Also, according to these researchers, Veterans who navigate the waters of returning to live with their parents often face more rocky transitions than their non-Veteran counterparts because they are leaving the structure and purpose of the military and may have experienced combat or other trauma.
Against this backdrop, Worthen et al. interviewed 24 veterans who had served in Iraq and Afghanistan in 2009-2011 about their reintegration experiences in the areas of family, friends, school or work. Of those interviewed, nine male and two female Veterans living with their parents following military separation for 2 months to 5 years became the focus of this qualitative study. Using a “codebook”, research team members independently coded transcripts, then met to discuss discrepancies, and subsequently revised the “codebook”. The lead researcher with expertise in qualitative interviews with combat Veterans then coded all transcripts using the qualitative software package atlas.ti (2011). Below are the main findings of this study.
In general, the Veterans were appreciative of having a place to live immediately after leaving the military and felt this grounding helped them find greater independence. Some lived with their parents for a discreet period of time (e.g., until they found a job to pay for their own living arrangements); others used their parents’ house as a base (e.g., stayed until they went to school, then returned until they found a job).
Some Veterans reported that staying with their parents resulted in emotional support or greater connectedness as they transitioned to civilian life. In particular, for those families where other members had served in the military, the sharing of experiences led to closer connections. This sentiment is captured in the following comments:
- “For the past month, I’ve just been spending time with family…Really enjoying having them around for a change. “They try to help me in every way, they always ask me what I’m thinking…They’ve been extremely supportive of everything.”
- “Since I [went] to Iraq, [my dad] has been much more open about speaking about his experiences as a cop…”
Another theme that emerged from the data was the struggle experienced by the Veterans over redefined roles in their families. For some, they described feeling treated by their parents as a child or teenager again, which clashed with the sense of maturity and adult responsibilities gained in the military. For example, one participant described:
- “Sometimes they kind of treat me like I’m the same kid that left after high school. My mom will give me a curfew or something. [But] I’m really 22 years old. Don’t treat me like a kid.”
On the other end of the spectrum, some Veterans returned and were handed demanding family responsibilities or became the glue binding their family. One Veteran explained:
- “[My parents are] depending on me for everything. I pretty much have to do everything to hold the family together…”
Additionally, the study highlighted that parents were the ones to observe changes in their Veteran children, which ranged from normal stress reactions to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These parents often expressed concern or worry and sometimes helplessness. When appropriate care was found, the parent-child relationship improved. However, in other instances a tense dynamic developed, which this Veteran describes:
- “…When I came back…I would have angry outbursts… [Before my diagnosis] my mom would say to me, ‘You know, if I wasn’t your mother and I didn’t know you, I probably wouldn’t even be as loving.”
Beyond these findings, the researchers reported that the 2 female participants disclosed they had been sexually assaulted in the military. One indicated that she had trouble keeping her independence while living with her parents. She explained that “[my mother] wanted me to be her baby...” yet she wanted to stay at her military location. The other female Veteran reported that her parents were “extremely supportive” when she was going through the process of reporting the rape, and she was able to focus on recovering from the sexual trauma.
This study is a step forward in better understanding the transition process for Veterans who return home to live with their parents. Given the instrumental role these parents play, the hope is for more studies like this to be undertaken, as well as more discussions on this under-addressed topic.
Paula Domenici, Ph.D., is the Director of Civilian Training Programs at the Center for Deployment Psychology. She is also a co-author of the book, Courage After Fire for Parents of Service Members: Strategies for Coping When Your Son or Daughter Returns from Deployment (2013).