Guest Perspective: Embracing the Power Struggle: Sometimes Marital Rough Times Can Usher In Deeper Connection
In long-term relationships, there is a pattern many clinicians recognize: early infatuation and connection often give way to a period of conflict or power struggle, which — if navigated successfully — can lead to a more mature and stable form of partnership. Some relationship development models describe this process in more detail, but the core idea remains the same: if couples are to reach long-term stability and satisfaction, they often have to move through periods of turmoil rather than around them.
Adult life makes that easier said than done. There is so much to juggle — finances, caregiving, work stress, distressing news cycles, raising children, managing households, trying to exercise, drink enough water, and somehow figure out what to eat for dinner every single night. When all of this accumulates, it’s no surprise that strain shows up in relationships. What once felt easy or even joyful — doing something just to see your partner’s face light up — may now feel unnoticed or unappreciated. The energy you once had to go above and beyond can feel like it belonged to another version of yourself entirely.
This is often where couples find themselves locked in a power struggle. It may show up in the small things (“I hate the way they load the dishwasher”) or the big ones (“We don’t agree on anything anymore”), but the emotional impact is similar. Doubt creeps in, and partners may begin to question whether the relationship can last at all. Unsurprisingly, these thoughts are often accompanied by strong emotional reactions — grief, fear, anger, or shame.
For military couples, these dynamics are frequently intensified. Military families face all of the same challenges as civilian couples, along with the added stressors of long separations, repeated transitions, reintegration after deployment, and the constant need to renegotiate roles. The demands of military service — both practical and emotional — can leave both partners drained, disconnected, and resentful, even when love and commitment remain very much intact.
Here’s the hopeful part. Research consistently shows that the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction are not the stressors couples experience, but the things they feel and do — things like commitment, feeling appreciated, emotional and physical intimacy, and how partners respond to one another during conflict. In other words, it is often less about what happens to couples and more about what happens between them. This distinction is especially important for military families, as it suggests that despite deployments, relocations, and the many uncontrollable aspects of military life, couples still retain the capacity to build — or rebuild — loving, connected, and satisfying relationships.
As clinicians, we are trained to listen closely for problems and to be thoughtful about how we instill hope. While it is essential to acknowledge pain and struggle — particularly when couples are in distress — there is also room to gently reframe what those struggles may represent. Provided there is safety in the relationship, the power struggle does not have to signal the end. Instead, it may reflect a developmental turning point.
Yes, this phase is hard. And yes, the innocence and ease of early admiration may feel lost. But on the other side of the power struggle, couples often find something different — and in many ways deeper. As partners do the work of understanding their triggers, healing old wounds, and recognizing longstanding patterns, they may begin to see each other again with new eyes: familiar and loving, but also softer, stronger, and wiser.
Military members are taught to face hard things, adapt, and overcome. When it comes to marital conflict, this does not mean gritting one’s teeth and enduring suffering. Rather, it involves turning toward the power struggle and allowing it to teach what needs to be understood, repaired, or renegotiated. Sometimes, the struggle itself is not the problem — it is the doorway.
The opinions in CDP Staff Perspective blogs are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Uniformed Services University of the Health Science or the Department of Defense.
Jessica Soule, LCSW, serves as a Military Behavioral Health Social Worker with The Henry M. Jackson Foundation for the Advancement of Military Medicine. . She serves as a subject matter expert for the VA SAFEGUARD project.
In long-term relationships, there is a pattern many clinicians recognize: early infatuation and connection often give way to a period of conflict or power struggle, which — if navigated successfully — can lead to a more mature and stable form of partnership. Some relationship development models describe this process in more detail, but the core idea remains the same: if couples are to reach long-term stability and satisfaction, they often have to move through periods of turmoil rather than around them.
Adult life makes that easier said than done. There is so much to juggle — finances, caregiving, work stress, distressing news cycles, raising children, managing households, trying to exercise, drink enough water, and somehow figure out what to eat for dinner every single night. When all of this accumulates, it’s no surprise that strain shows up in relationships. What once felt easy or even joyful — doing something just to see your partner’s face light up — may now feel unnoticed or unappreciated. The energy you once had to go above and beyond can feel like it belonged to another version of yourself entirely.
This is often where couples find themselves locked in a power struggle. It may show up in the small things (“I hate the way they load the dishwasher”) or the big ones (“We don’t agree on anything anymore”), but the emotional impact is similar. Doubt creeps in, and partners may begin to question whether the relationship can last at all. Unsurprisingly, these thoughts are often accompanied by strong emotional reactions — grief, fear, anger, or shame.
For military couples, these dynamics are frequently intensified. Military families face all of the same challenges as civilian couples, along with the added stressors of long separations, repeated transitions, reintegration after deployment, and the constant need to renegotiate roles. The demands of military service — both practical and emotional — can leave both partners drained, disconnected, and resentful, even when love and commitment remain very much intact.
Here’s the hopeful part. Research consistently shows that the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction are not the stressors couples experience, but the things they feel and do — things like commitment, feeling appreciated, emotional and physical intimacy, and how partners respond to one another during conflict. In other words, it is often less about what happens to couples and more about what happens between them. This distinction is especially important for military families, as it suggests that despite deployments, relocations, and the many uncontrollable aspects of military life, couples still retain the capacity to build — or rebuild — loving, connected, and satisfying relationships.
As clinicians, we are trained to listen closely for problems and to be thoughtful about how we instill hope. While it is essential to acknowledge pain and struggle — particularly when couples are in distress — there is also room to gently reframe what those struggles may represent. Provided there is safety in the relationship, the power struggle does not have to signal the end. Instead, it may reflect a developmental turning point.
Yes, this phase is hard. And yes, the innocence and ease of early admiration may feel lost. But on the other side of the power struggle, couples often find something different — and in many ways deeper. As partners do the work of understanding their triggers, healing old wounds, and recognizing longstanding patterns, they may begin to see each other again with new eyes: familiar and loving, but also softer, stronger, and wiser.
Military members are taught to face hard things, adapt, and overcome. When it comes to marital conflict, this does not mean gritting one’s teeth and enduring suffering. Rather, it involves turning toward the power struggle and allowing it to teach what needs to be understood, repaired, or renegotiated. Sometimes, the struggle itself is not the problem — it is the doorway.
The opinions in CDP Staff Perspective blogs are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Uniformed Services University of the Health Science or the Department of Defense.
Jessica Soule, LCSW, serves as a Military Behavioral Health Social Worker with The Henry M. Jackson Foundation for the Advancement of Military Medicine. . She serves as a subject matter expert for the VA SAFEGUARD project.